I’m making a huge step in the face of my social and general anxiety. I’m doing it because I have to. It probably doesn’t sound like a big deal to most people but it is to me.
Tomorrow I’m going out with some friends. Properly getting dressed and going out. I’m excited. Although I was supposed to start getting ready and pick out an outfit tonight but my mother started guilt tripping me and had another bi polar meltdown so I didn’t really have time since I got emotionally exhausted.
I decided tomorrow I don’t care what kind of crazy bullshit she throws my way to try and keep me from going and living life… I’m going. And I’m going to look damn good. I’m going to actually take the time to shave my legs, tan, do my hair, makeup,etc. You know the things normal girls do all the time. Like actually taking care of myself and giving a shit.
And you know when I got invited my anxiety was telling me to not go. It was so hard to say I was going to go out. But I did it. I decided to tell my anxiety to fuck off.
I hope to God I meet a good guy soon. I really need a boyfriend. Someone to love…..soon. I have faith. I have hope. Because I have to.
I just took an ativan about 20 minutes ago and it’s kept me from wanting to kill myself I guess. It’s kept the beast of anger inside of me less awake.
I’m so upset. But now I’m just a tired upset. I have reasons. I try so hard. I’ve tried so many avenues to better my situation and they’re always met with resistance. And it just makes me so angry when someone tells me “oh well you should try this…” When I already thought of trying that and it didn’t work. Why wouldn’t I think of easy solutions?
People will say, “Oh you should go to school” or “You should travel”. Why don’t you just get away for the weekend?
Well….When you have to take care of a parent it’s like having a baby all the time. I can’t just get up and go. Do you know how much I wish I could? I would travel the world, go to school, etc. If I only had myself to worry about it would be amazing. I’d feel like I’d won the lottery. But, nope. I’ve always had responsibilities ever since I was a child. I never got to be..a child.
My parents were both selfish when I was a kid and partied and never thought about the future. I had to start taking care of myself too young and then never had the confidence to pursue any career or anything further. You need people around you to lift you up and not tear you down. It doesn’t matter how much confidence you have in this life. If someone is around you telling you you’re worthless and talentless you’re going to start believing it.
As human beings we need people around us to help us. We should help each other. But too many sick individuals just love to tear each other down.
Anyways, I would love to go to school or travel but I’ve never had the funds or opportunities to do so. I’ve never been anywhere or done anything. And sometimes I get sad about it. I think of different things I could do but there’s always a road block. And now that I’m getting older I just see opportunities disappearing.
I can’t talk about this shit to other people because I know they don’t care and it makes me sound like a Debbie downer. So I just write it down.
I still have a pathetic hope something good might happen to me. Some silver linings. The older I get the harder it is to see it though.
I hate having a fucked up family and upbringing.
If I had friends that acted like my family members I would drop them in a second because they were toxic. Unfortunately when you have family members that are emotionally toxic you have to deal with that shit because you don’t have a choice.
I understand people who run away from it all. I understand people who take off and disappear. I’ve had similar fantasies all my life. But I just can’t do it. But then again, how much longer will I spend my life wasting it helping people who can’t be helped? Being more selfish is something I’m slowly learning. I can’t waste away doing things for other people or for fear that I may hurt someone’s feelings. Life is harsh and you have to learn to buck up and deal with it or you’re just going to stay alone.
I took a big step yesterday. I got invited to a party. Normally I would say “no”. I wanted to say no so badly but a part of me said I had to do it. I had to be social no matter how many horrible scenarios I put in my head. Because I can’t keep living my life in the shadows.
First of all the party was almost an hour drive away. I started thinking about all the horrible car crashes I could get into. I started thinking about how nobody would talk to me or make fun of me. Stupid paranoid thoughts that I manage to plague myself with. I thought about it all week before the party. I wanted to cancel so many times. It would be so easy by text.
I didn’t though. As pathetic as it sounds not canceling was a huge step for me. When I drove there, everything was fine. When I got into the party people were happy to see me and were friendly. I was talkative, made jokes and had fun. I drove home and everything was fine. It was crazy. I actually had fun and enjoyed myself. I felt like a different girl. Maybe I would be able to have a relationship one day? Maybe I will be able to change my self destructive patterns?
Everyone has problems. No one is perfect. Not everyone is judging me. These are things I”m just starting to understand.
