The Last Virgin

Release

Just going to masturbate my anger, hate & stress away.
I honestly wish I could during the day so I could deal with the bullshit and release that negative energy immediately. But obviously that wouldn’t be socially acceptable so


What's keeping you from going out to meet people? ( you don't have to respond publicly) I just stumbled upon your blog and read a lot. Tehe. Sorry if that's creepy. from misskittycarly

It’s not creepy. I have phobias of going out I guess. I’m shy. I’m trying to change that


Bloody nose

I’m going to have to lock my doors tonight.
I’m sick & my mom has gone batshit crazy. She threw a porcelain plate at me earlier. Which sounds funny but really wasn’t.
I’m terrified & I have no one to talk to about this or turn to. It’s embarrassing to tell people your family is crazy or mentally ill.
The only positive I can think of is that hopefully I’ve lost some weight in my sickness & terror. Which is probably an insane thought in of itself
When someone’s putting the anger of 100 other people who’ve done them wrong onto you. I don’t understand. I don’t want to be a sacrificial lamb. I just want peace. Peace & quiet for a little while


water

I don’t know what to do or say.  I’m so overwelmed with doubt and worry. 

I just wish someone would come save me.  I know that’s such a little girl way of looking at the world but in a lot of ways I still am a little girl.

I guess I need to wake up and just take risks.  I know I always say that but I really will this time. Even if I have to do it by myself.  I’ve tried unsuccesfully the last couple weeks to get my friends to go out on the weekends but they always don’t want to.  I don’t blame them. Either I’m annoyning to hang out with or they’ve already settled into their home lives.

I have a goal to go out sometime this weekend.  Little goals should eventually lead to accomplishing bigger goals.  I need to be more positive.  Being negative and just complaining won’t get you anywhere.  Even if you have every right to complain.

I can’t let another year go by of not doing what I want or experiencing things.  Little by little, I’m going to do it.

So first: Go out

Second goal: Go on dates

Third goal: Have a boyfriend./get into a meaningful relationship

I’ll go from there


Finding your true passion

I was just thinking what if my one talent is giving a really amazing blowjob or handjob and I don’t even know it because I’ve never given one

I could be missing out on my true passion in life and not even know it.  Maybe that’s why I’m so lost and can’t find anything I really love to do?

Kind of joking…but seriously? What if?

What if I ‘m really amazing at fucking and I don’t even know it?

hmmmm 


Dreams

I had a dream last night that I was dating Josh Groban but he wouldn’t talk to me in public or hold my hand.  It was really sad.  He was really affectionate in private but as soon as we walked outside or anyone else was around he pretended like he didn’t know me.

I don’t know what this dream means?


Life

I was feeling really sorry for myself yesterday night and was pretty depressed until the news of Paul Walker dying kind of shocked me into reality.  I didn’t know him of course but something about someone you know of dying kind of makes you realize that we only have so much time on Earth and to worry about stupid things or to waste time being upset is a real waste. 

I hope I keep this in mind next time I get depressed or down on myself.


Little manic sprees

Money can be life or death.

My mother has been having several manic episodes.  I don’t know how many a day or over days.  When I get a break from having to listen to it and being consumed by it I just try not to do anything so I can let my mind rest.  

I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 140 pounds.  I want to weigh 125.  I know it’s shitty but men are visual creatures and they really only lust after women who are smaller.  At least the vast majority of them do.  Of those men who lust after small women a lot of them are going to be assholes.  But there will be some diamonds in the rough.  It’s my job to sift through the assholes and find the good guys.  The guys that will be attracted to me at first but also love me for me.  

A guy can’t see your great personality a mile away.  I can read as many self help books about how beauty is on the inside but when it all comes down to it.  You have to attract a guy with your looks.

Life is shallow.  Life is a bitch.  Money rules all.  And it’s easier for those that are rich.

Learn the rules or get out.